One Liners...

Here are some of my favorite one-liners:

• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Department of Redundancy Department
• I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
• "But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you like the play?"
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• There are three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
• Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
• And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
• The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
• Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
• God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.
• [Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
• Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
• I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.
• Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
• A metaphor is like a simile.
• Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
• A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
• An optimist says "Good morning, God", a pessimist says "Good God, morning".
• Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
• Dyslexics of the world, untie!
• 98% of all statistics are made up.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
• Bumper Sticker reads: Keep honking... I'm reloading.
• Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.